Funny Phrases

This post contains funny phrases that are good for kids and senior citizens and all in between.

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Aunt Joke My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?” We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals. Fish Joke I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45. It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery. Grandpa Joke Little Johnny tells his friend, "My grandpa died yesterday." Friend asks, "Oh, how did that happen?" Johnny, "He hit his thumb with a hammer." Friend, "But you can't die of that!" Johnny, "I know but he wouldn't stop screaming and cursing so we had to shoot him." Doctor Joke Doctor to a patient: "I have good and bad news for you. Which one would you like to hear first?" "The good one please." "I found the diagnosis of your illness, it means you have two days to live." "And the bad one?" "I’ve been trying to r
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Alcoholic Joke How can they call it "Alcoholics Anonymous" when the first thing you do is you stand up and say, ‘My name is John and I am an alcoholic’? Funny Joke Pessimist: "Things just can't get any worse!" Optimist: "Nah, of course they can!" Peanuts Joke A nice old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He’s happy to take some. He asks her after a while why she isn’t having any herself. “Oh, young man,” she says, “they’re too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn’t.” “Why did you buy them at all then?” wonders the driver. “You see, I just love the chocolate they’re covered in!” Shark Joke A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers properly. - “So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And then you go at them full blast and eat them.” “OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right away?” “I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all that shit in their intest
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Weight Joke It’s all a matter of viewpoint. 250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury. Fat? No. I’m just not on the right planet. Dinner Joke A cannibal came home late to family dinner. He got the cold shoulder. Magic Joke A magician was driving down the road and turned into a shopping mall. Drugs Joke I do say no to drugs. It’s just they’re not so good at listening. Job Joke You can’t fire me! Slaves can only be sold!! Exorcism Joke If you forget to pay for exorcism, will you get repossessed? Time Joke Future. The time you’ll wish you’d done more in the current present. Money Joke I kept trying to feed money into the change machine yesterday, but nothing changed! Marriage Joke I don’t think it would work between us, Larry. You know, I’m a Libra and you’re an pig. Drunk Joke "I wasn't that drunk yesterday." "Oh boy you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying." Cleaning Joke Of course I should clean my windows. But privacy is i
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